Divorce and dignity!

Seems fair? No! 

Dignity is difficult to find, hard to maintain and even harder to fight for! 

The decision to end a marriage is never easy. It takes days of pain, months of questions and even years of self-doubt, and dismissing the reality. Divorce is not just two people parting ways; but, it is breaking away from a home, relationships, families, friends and everything in life that becomes a part of your identity. Mustering courage to leave all of it behind is not easy. 

The feeling of loss is not unlike death. After all, a relationship is dead and with it dies hope, dreams and happiness. You do not know where to begin, what to do and where to go from here! 

Indian society is fairly conservative. There is no notion of “marriage not working”. Once you are married, you apparently are tied to that person for seven lifetimes. I do not know about all that, but, I do know that in this lifetime, the one we are living, everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to be with the person they love. To be fair finding love is not easy too, many of us learn this the hard way. 

When the going gets rough, people are quick to point fingers. The blame-game slowly chips away at you. You may not even remember or realise the things you get blamed for. And by the time you come through the divorce, you would have lost a part of you. Your confidence, your self respect and your dignity! 

It has been five years and still my mother refuses to acknowledge it. Her main concern during the time was “nobody should find out. None of our friends and Papa’s colleagues. Do not talk to your friends about it OK? They will go and tell their parents!” 

I did not understand why? I was not in the wrong! I stood for myself, my happiness and I fought for my self-respect and dignity! Why? But you see, she is a product of the same society. She wanted to shield me and her family from unwanted questions, assumptions and gossip. Her way is brush it all under the carpet and if anybody asks about the lump, just pretend it does not exist. 

My father on the other hand was silent. He just wanted me to be OK. He would try and tell me that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that “your mom is not crazy. she is just a mom! 

My brother found out a little later, and my little bubba was always supportive, no questions asked. His sister could do no wrong 🙂 

I obliged to my mother’s wish. You see I am a strong person. All I knew at the time was that I have to build myself and a life for me. I couldn’t have been bothered with all this anyway. 

The funny thing is, I spoke to my friends, my childhood friends, and they stood by me. They never let any word of this escape to a new ear. We had new found love and respect for each other. We had grown, life happened to not just me, but to all my friends, everybody had skeletons in their closets and we were happy to help each other bury them. 

Just like everybody else, I was seeking validation not just for my decision but also for myself. I felt guilty to live let alone be happy. I was angry and unhappy. Justifying myself is all I could do. In every conversation I would try to justify my divorce and end up feeling miserable. Only a few of my friends cut me short and said “why are you justifying yourself? We don’t need to hear it. If you took this step, we trust you and believe in you.” Those words instilled the much needed confidence in me. They treated me like a normal person. Slowly I stopped feeling like a divorcee (you know the feeling of being a failure and a leper and invisible all in one go!) 

I built myself fairly well. A large part of it belongs to my friends and my parents. My friends helped, inspired and loved me when I needed it the most. My parents supported me in an unconventional manner. They just let me be me. They stopped interfering in my life. All that mattered was I was alive, well and happy. (Finally! dream come true ha!) 

I have my dignity now, I built my self-respect. Just like any other, the journey has been long. Will I do it all over again? 

Probably yes! These events have made me a better person. I have more clarity in life. I value my job, I have best of friends, a better and more open relationship with my family. And I look forward to a future. 

So, if you are reading this, please support anybody who is going through a separation or a divorce. Do not judge. It is not your place. Nobody knows the relationship between a couple, but those involved. It is not easy, the least we can do is to not add to their pain. 

Do not stigmatise divorce, stigmatise staying in an unhappy/abusive/unfulfilling marriage. 

And remember never compromise on your happiness, build your circle of trust starting with you! Your parents may not understand now, but they will come around. They gave you life, sure, but you are the one living it! 

So until next time, live with your head held high, snatched that dignity of yours, stay safe and mask-up! 🙂